Love and desire are two complex and elusive, yet integral components of relationships.
Emily Nagoski, PhD, a prominent sex educator, author, and researcher, and Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist, researcher, and relationship expert, have devoted their careers to understanding the intricate dynamics between love and desire. Their groundbreaking studies have shed light on the complexities of human sexuality, desire, intimacy, and predictors of relationship success and lasting love.
Nagoski's books, Unraveling the Mysteries of Desire and Come as You Are, challenge conventional beliefs surrounding desire, introducing the concept of sexual accelerators. Nagoski defines sexual accelerators as factors that increase arousal and desire. On the other hand, sexual brakes are factors that inhibit these desires. These accelerators and brakes differ from person to person, and because of this it is particularly important to understand one's own accelerators and brakes, along with one's partner's. Understanding these concepts helps us recognize our needs and preferences within a relationship.
In addition to sexual accelerators and brakes, Nagoski also emphasizes the importance of context in fostering desire. For example, emotional intimacy, novelty, and physical well-being can be sexual accelerators for people, while stress, fatigue, and unresolved conflicts often act as brakes. By recognizing and addressing these contextual factors, individuals can better enhance their own intimacy, along with their partner's.
Known for his theory on the science of lasting love, Dr. Gottman identifies what he has determined are key predictors of relationship success. He further delves into these factors with the concept of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Gottman found that these four negative communication styles can erode the foundation of a relationship, leading to dissatisfaction and potentially the end of the relationship. Gottman stresses the importance of recognizing these negative communication styles and replacing them with positive communication.
Gottman expands upon the idea of healthy and positive communication techniques, listing active listening and expressions of appreciation as methods to foster a deeper, stronger, emotional connection with your partner. In addition to the positive methods he recommends, Gottman also discusses the importance of the number of positive interactions we have with our partners, especially compared to negative ones. He found that a strong indicator of a healthy and lasting relationship involves a ratio of at least 5 positive interactions to every negative interaction. Small gestures such as acts of kindness and expressions of love all contribute to cultivating positivity within a relationship and contribute to the overall satisfaction and resilience of the relationship.
The work of Nagoski and Dr. Gottman provides valuable insights into the complex dynamics of love, desire, and what factors cultivate a strong, fulfilling, lasting relationship.
Further reading: Emily Nagoski's research on desire · Gottman Institute research overview · AASECT — certified sex therapists
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Last clinically reviewed: by Christina Mathieson, LMFT #115093.