By Michelle Payton

Recently, I watched the movie “It Ends With Us”, based on the best-selling novel by Colleen Hoover. While the movie has sparked a lot of controversy, I found it to be a powerful portrayal of the complexities of domestic violence (DV). It sheds light on the intricacies of abusive relationships, particularly how they can entangle love, loyalty, and trauma. 

Many critics argue that the movie romanticizes DV or portrays its characters unrealistically. However, I believe it captures something essential—the internal conflict victims experience. The cycle of abuse often begins with charm and affection, followed by episodes of control and violence, only for the abuser to return to being the partner they initially were. This emotional rollercoaster is at the heart of why so many people struggle to leave abusive relationships. They get stuck on who they think there partner is or who they believe they could be. In the movie, we see this heartbreaking cycle unfold with raw authenticity.

While I appreciated the movie for its nuanced portrayal, one thing both my mom and I couldn’t help but notice is the complete absence of any mention of therapy. Given the depth of the trauma experienced by nearly every character, it was surprising that no one turned to therapy for help. My mom literally said, “everyone needed therapy,” and I couldn’t agree more. Therapy, especially trauma-focused approaches like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), could have been life-changing for these characters and can be crucial for real-life survivors of DV. 

Understanding the Impact of Domestic Violence and Breakups

It’s estimated that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner violence at some point in their lives. The long-term psychological impacts of DV often include PTSD, anxiety, depression, and difficulty in trusting future partners. Whether someone is recovering from an abusive relationship or facing the emotional pain of a breakup, trauma can interfere with their ability to move on.

DV survivors, in particular, may experience symptoms like hypervigilance, avoidance behaviors, and intrusive memories. Many survivors report feelings of guilt, self-blame, or shame, which can further complicate their healing journey. Even those not in abusive relationships can experience complex emotional responses during breakups, particularly if the relationship was deeply entwined with their identity.

The Power of EMDR Therapy

EMDR therapy offers a structured approach to processing trauma that is especially helpful for those who have experienced domestic violence. Developed by Francine Shapiro in the late 1980s, EMDR is based on the premise that trauma disrupts the brain's natural processing system. By engaging in bilateral stimulation (BLS)—such as tapping on your right and left shoulders or following an object to move the eyes side to side—while recalling traumatic memories, the brain can reprocess these experiences in a way that reduces their emotional charge.

EMDR is particularly effective in treating PTSD and has been endorsed by organizations like the World Health Organization and the American Psychiatric Association as a first-line treatment for trauma. A study published in “The Journal of Traumatic Stress” found that 77% of individuals who received EMDR therapy showed a significant reduction in PTSD symptoms.

For those recovering from the trauma of DV, EMDR can help reframe painful memories and reduce their ability to trigger emotional distress. Survivors often report feeling more in control of their thoughts and emotions after just a few sessions. EMDR helps to get your brain "unstuck" from the loop of traumatic memories, allowing individuals to heal and move forward with their lives.

Healing After Breakups

Even in non-abusive relationships, breakups can be traumatic. If the relationship involved emotional dependence or identity entanglement, the end can feel like a significant loss, triggering grief, anxiety, and even depression. EMDR therapy can be a powerful tool in helping individuals process these emotions, break unhealthy patterns, and rebuild their sense of self.

In the context of breakups, EMDR can assist in processing the pain of rejection, unresolved conflict, or betrayal. By addressing the emotional intensity tied to these memories, individuals can navigate their way toward healthier relationships in the future.

Final Thoughts

Movies like “It Ends With Us” play an essential role in opening conversations about the complex realities of domestic violence. They help us recognize the nuanced psychological struggles survivors face, both during and after these relationships. However, it’s important to acknowledge the role that therapy, like EMDR, can play in the healing process—something the movie missed out on entirely. For those recovering from the trauma of domestic violence or dealing with the emotional fallout of a breakup, EMDR therapy can be a path toward healing, offering hope and a way to regain control over one’s mental and emotional well-being.

If you or someone you know is struggling, consider reaching out to a therapist trained in EMDR. Healing is possible, and you don't have to do it alone.

Michelle Payton, LCSW 114078
Michelle@mymentalclimb.com
925-413-4691
Www.mymentalclimb.com